Fixing

Things with lies
And fake
I love you's

Is not okay.

Going through life
With secrets
And trying to
Find
Your self worth
In someone else
While tearing 
Them down?

Basically
You are a tool.

Looking

In the mirror

At the person

Looking back

At me.

I don't know

Who she is.

Will I ever find me again?

December 2009.

A story

Will unfold

In front of your eyes.

Hurt.

Pain.

Tears.

Rage.

Screams.

Control.

How can

It be possible

With no self

Control

To

Make you feel

So small?

Why did she leave me?

It's her fault,

I can't control

My temper.

Nevada.

Family.

Home.

Nevada.

Devil.

F that.

I'm not going back.

I'm going to make her come back.

One lie

Stacked

On another.

Perfect!

I still have

Control!

One phone call

Changes

Everything.

"I love you too.

Everything will be okay!"

I cant wait until I can scare her!

Home.

Lies.

Everyone knows.

Welcome home, Honey!

Everything will be different.

[Worse.]



Chances

You don't really understand
How many
Chances
I gave you
To prove
Everyone
Wrong.

Your "I'm sorrys"
Don't mean anything
To me
Anymore.

I cried
So many times
For you,

Wasted
So many
Tears.

So much time.

Two years.

Of excuses.

And lies.

I am stronger
Now.

You will never
Get close
To me again.

Don't try.

Looking back.

Almost two
Years
Have passed
Since
The day
I finally
Found
My inner
Strength.

Memories
Flash
Like
A blur
Of pictures
In my mind.

Seems like
Forever
Ago
Yet the pain
Sometimes
Feels so fresh
Inside
Like it happened yesterday.

I am stronger
Now
Then before
And you will
Always
Be the same.

I should have

Listened

Alli,

He's no good for you.

He will hurt you.

What happens the next time he gets angry but nothing is around, except for you?

You've changed.

I barely know who you are anymore.

Stood my ground.

Instead,

I made him the KING

Of everything.

[When in reality,

I should've been the only QUEEN

In his life.]

Been true.

Not told everyone

What they wanted to hear.

NOT TRUSTED YOU.

The lies,

The secrets,

The tantrums,

The blaming,

Telling my BEST FRIEND'S MOM that you wanted her instead??

NOT OKAY!



Halloween 2009

Waking up

Without

Rose-colored

Glasses

On,

I was extatic

To be going home.

The lies were there,

More than ever.

I needed a break.

As we landed

In Reno,

I felt

Like I could

Finally breathe.

For a moment.

No right.

You have no right

To say

"I love you"

To unsuspecting

Girls

And then

Rip

Their freedom

Away.

 You have no right

To sit there

And play the victim.

You are a tool

Beyond words. 



Ashamed

For sooo long,

I felt horrible

About myself.

I remember

Days

When I wouldn't

Want to get out of bed.

I hated

Myself

For everything

That had happened

Between

Us.

Thinking

It was

ALL

MY

FAULT.

When I started

Waking

Up

From the haze

Of "love,"

I felt

Even more ashamed

For thinking

You

Could love

Anyone

But yourself.

Now

Finding out

You cheated
Multiple
Times.

I am more

Than ashamed.

You cant take advatage

Of people

And lead

Them

On with false

Hope.

It's not

Just about me

Anymore.

I feel

Ashamed

For anyone

Who crosses

Paths

With you.

Two years.

Two years.

I let

You win.

Two years.

I was dumb.

Two years.

You didn't deserve me.

Two years.

I'll never get back.

Two years.

I lied

To myself

And everyone

Who cared.

Two years.

Of always

Losing.

Pathetic.

Lame.

Get.

Over.

Yourself.

October 2009.

Broken
And bleeding
From the inside
Out.

I want:
To be loved.

Is that sooo hard?

I guess
It is because
You feel absolutley
No remorse
For making
Me choose
Between the boy
Who thought
He could change
Me
And the family
Who always
Loved me for me,
Even when
I didn't deserve
It.

You accept no blame
For your actions
And make me
Feel like I'm the guilty party.

I love you,
But something 
Has to change.

Darkeness

Darkeness wakes
Deep inside
Just as night comes 
As daytime
Fades.

With each sip,
I fall deeper and deeper
Into oblivion.

Memories fade
To black.

And I am
Feeling wonderful
On life.

For an instant.

Better off

Woke up today,

With the pain

Of yesterday

Running through my veins.

But now I realize

I'm better,

Stronger,

Faster.

I will not let you win.

Anymore

I remember

A time,

Before

You

When life

Was simple.

Love didn't come

With expectations. 

Lies were not

A lifestyle.

 Texting

Wasn't something `

Dirty.

And I wasn't looking

Over my shoulder

Every five seconds

To see

If you were watching

Me.

Yep, the good

Old days...

Two steps forward

One step back.

I had a nightmare

Last night.

I guess it's my way

Of moving

Forward.

Even when I'm taking

Steps back,

I'm still moving on.

And that my

Dear is progress.



Lurking

In the shadows

Is not okay.

You have no right

To come

Into

MY SPACE.

I HATE YOU.

August 2009

I've seen
The truth
Now.
You will never
Understand
What you do to me,
Or maybe you do?


And you just don't care?

If that's the case
Why don't you care?


After all this time
It doesn't seem
To matter to you
That I'm hurting.

You're still hitting
Things, yelling,
Texting girls,
And telling me
It's all my fault
That you
Do those things.

Why
Is all I want to know?

Summer 2009

A blur
Of memories.

Some forgotten,
Others I'm still trying
To forget.

A lie,
Built
On top of
A million more lies.

Why can't you be honest?

Progress

I AM NOT A WORTHLESS PIECE OF TRASH.

You've said so many
Hurtful
Things.
And blame
ME?

I'm sorry
To say

NOTHING YOU DID
WAS MY FAULT.

You had a choice.

The Storm

Has raged
In between
What is right
And wrong
For too long.

I chose you
Time and time
Again,
Thinking
It was the right
Thing.

You and I
Both knew
It was wrong
All along.

That's why
You held
On so tight.

This time I'm choosing me.

Now.

I know the truth.
I deserve better.
You were the weak one,
Trying to bring me down
To your level.

You wanted to mold
Me
Into something
I could never be.

You never cared.
It was ALWAYS
Your way
Or you throw,
Punch, and/or kick things.

Truth:
You'll never be happy
Until you find happiness
Within yourself,
And you're too lazy to do that.

Then.

Handsome Boy,
Why are you so upset?
Please tell me....

What did I do
Wrong?

It's all my fault.
Never yours...

My truth

The day you
Said,
"I love you."
Was a day
That I thought
Could be the beginning
Of a beautiful life
Together.

I could learn
To love you.

That was my first mistake.

Love is NOT
Something
That can be taught
Or forced upon
You by anyone.

"She's a whore."

That was always

Your excuse

For everything.

You had me fooled.

Reality:

Yes, they want attention,

But the only reason

They were texting

You

Was because you were giving

It to them.

You were in the wrong.



JERK.

THATS WHAT YOU ARE.

plain and simple.

Fake

Everything we were

Was fake.

All the

"I need yous,"
"I love yous,"

And especially

The "You're my angel's"

Were all lies.

Nothing you say or do

Is true.

You can scare

People

Into submission

But sooner or later

They'll want their lives

And their control

Back,

Just like I did

It took a long

While,

But I finally got my strength

Back. 

Lies

"I'll always heart you, Punky."
[HAHAHAHAHAH! Good one. If you really "loved" me forever you wouldn't have lied, cheated, and abused me.]
"She's just a friend."
[UM. Friends don't send friends naked pictures.]
"Oh, I've been single for over a year."'
[HAHAHAHAHA. Psyche!]

"I won't let anyone/thing hurt you!"
[Except you!]

"You're my angel."
[Yeah, until someone else comes along.]

"I'm not a violent person."
[Hitting things doesn't make you violent?? Huh. Intense.]

"I hate myself."
[Doubt it.]

'You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen."
[Um. Not really. You say that to all the girlss.]

Later that night...

"I am soooo sorry,
Honey!"
He sobbed.

He begged
For me not
To be scared of him.

How could I not be?

I had NEVER seen
That kind of behavior
From anyone,
Let alone a
Twenty eight year
Boy.

So many emotions
And feelings
Were running
Wild
Through my body.

Anger,
Hurt,
On edge,
Scared.

Just some of the emotions.

I told him
I would go with him
On the bus,
To ease his mind.

But my mind was still racing.


"I'll call you
When I get home,
Okay?
Please answer,"
He spoke,
In between sobs.

"Okay,"
I said.

When I got home,
There were ten
Missed calls
From ABF.

He called once more.

I answered.

"I can't believe
What I did,"
He sounded
Depressed.

"You were mad.
I understand,"
I lied.

"I don't deserve
You.
I think
I'll off myself tonight,
So you don't have to deal
With me,"
His words
So hateful
And sad.

Cut me to my core.

"Please don't do that,"
I was the one pleading
Now.

"Promise you'll stay with me,"
The tears started
Again.

"I pinky promise I will.."

And I kept that promise
For as long as I could.

The First Night.

I saw something

I didn't want

To see.

A boy

Screaming

Bad words

At the top

Of his ugly

Lungs.

I walked away,

But not before he came

After me.

I forgave him.

December 2008, Revisited

Fernley: Population more than 12,600.

But during that trip

Home

I could've been all

Alone

And still felt the same.

Everything

Was the same,

I was the one

Who had changed.

I knew that my family

And my friends

Saw a change

In me.

A change that was

Evolving

Slowly.

A change that

I wouldn't see

Until

It was too

Late.

Normally when I'm home

With my family

I would spend

As much time

With my family and friends

As possible.

[Time is such a precious thing,

You know.]

But this trip

Was different,

like me.

I locked myself

In my sister's

Bathroom

For hours

On end

To talk to someone

That I didn't necessarly

Want to talk to.

I wanted to be out,

Socializing,

But I had to keep A.B.F.

Happy.

I reassured him

Every night

That I would be back
But that wasn't enough.

I finally came to a realization
That I barely got to see
My family
And I needed to spend
The time
I did have
With the people who matter
Not in the bathroom.

I was so embarrassed.

For myself,

For my sister,

For my niece and nephew,

For my mom and Ron,

For Amber....

But mostly I was scared.

Scared that ABF

Would be mad.

That's even more reason to be embarrassed.

May 2009 part two

"I don't know
What you're talking
About, Baby,"
He sweetly stated.

"Don't deny it!
I saw
The texts!"
I cried.

"That girl
Is stupid.
She knows your ex,
And he told her
To do it,"
ABF explained.

And the lies kept coming...

May 2009

It had been four months since
The restraining order

And things had settled

Down.

But little did I know

Secrets were looming.

A lie was about to be exposed.

A text message

Would change

Everything

Once again.

ABF was acting

More

Strange

Than ever,

Taking secret

Calls

In our room,

Texting up a storm,

And being distant.

I took his phone

That I was paying for

Without him

Knowing

And read the texts.

I dropped the phone

And couldn't believe

What I just read.

Him to her,

"I want you so bad

Right now."

Her to him,

"Come and get me, Baby."

There were more.

Too many to remember.

How could he do that?

Why would he do that?

Am I dumb?

Just some of the questions

Racing through my head.

I broke.

Months of trying 

So hard

Went out the window.

I fell apart.

For the first time

I was seeing him

Without

Rose colored glasses.

Naive.

"Naivety (or naïvety, naïveté, etc.), is the state of being naive—having or showing a lack of experience, understanding or sophistication" Wikipedia

You thought
I was so naive.
And, well, frankly.

You were right.

You like your girls
Trusting, loveable,
Loyal,
Fluffy, and easy
To take advantage of.

Today I sit here,
Remembering
All the times
You said,
"I'll never lie to you."

I am not naive anymore.

One of my biggest
Mistakes
Was trusting you
Even when you didn't deserve it.

What would your mom think?

Oh wait...
That's right,
It never mattered to you.

You sit there
Wanting everyones
Approval
And you'll do whatever
It takes to get it....

Face it.
Not everyone will like you.
And you're naive if you think
You can lie
Your way
Into people's hearts.

For the future exgirlfriend[s]

Dear Ma'am,

I think you

Should know

That your boyfriend

Is a SUPER LAME abusive

Guy.

I don't know anything

About you

And your relationship

With him,

But I do know

That he is a liar

And an abusive cheater...

I think you

And I

Both know

What I'm talking about.

Maybe you know,

But you're in denial,

Just like I was

For two years.

I hope and pray

You figure

Out

You need to do

Sooner

Rather than

Later.

And know

That

You are NOT

Alone.

Thank you for your time.

The One That Got Away.

"I love you."

That's how our fights

Always

Ended.

Those three words

Changed the course

Of so many things.

It was a way

Of controlling

And manipulating

Every situation 

We were in....

A way of controlling

Me.

A way of keeping

Me around.

Karma.

Thats all.

Restraint.

"Do you want me to kill myself?!?"

Those were the words
That have echoed
In my ears
For three years..

The beginning
Of the end.

[But it would take a while to get to the breaking point.]

The day A.B.F.
Spoke those words
And pulled out the knife,
Was a day in my life
That will go down in the history
Of stupid
Things that have happened.
On both ends.

I was scared.

Of what,
I do not know.

Two days later....

I was home
And still numb.

I woke up
And burst into tears.

"What's wrong?"
My sister
Asked, lovingly.

I didn't know how to say,
"My boyfriebd told me I was the devil
And said he wanted to kill himself."

So, I just came out
And said it.

'Oh Girl!"
Her words kind,
She embraced
Me with loving
Arms.

"What do you wanna do?"
She asked.

"I don't know,"
I said.

"Lets call Mom and the sisters
And see what they
Have to say,"
My sister spoke
As she picked
Up her phone...

An hour later
We decided
That it was best
To get a restraining
Order...

So that's what we would do.
On Monday.

I spent the next two days
Crying
And sleeping.

[Looking back, I don't know why I was soo upset. Maybe out of desperation?]

Monday morning came
And I woke up early
To get to the court house
By nine am.

Showered and numb,
We drove
Off into the city.

As we got closer and closer
I knew things were different.

I knew I had to be done.
And I was.
For a moment.

When it was over,
I cried.

As the days passed
A.B.F.'s family
Texted me.

They were saying such nice things.
They still cared.
They loved me.
Then they said
He wanted to meet me Thursday
To "talk."

I froze.

It was him  the whole time.

I didn't want to see him
Nor did I want him to get arrested...

Like a fool.
I met him.

He sweet talked
His way back
Into my life.

Just like that,
The lies
Started again.

On both parts.

I dropped
The restraining order
The next day
And everything
Was 'perfect'
Again.
We had to hide
And we both knew it...

Later that day,
My sister
Would find us
At U.S. Bank.

Everything
Fell
Apart.

It wouldn't be the last time.

December 2008.

Justifactions for being mad:

[My thoughts on A.B.F.]

She's going home to be with her family for Christmas.

I'll be all alone.

Even though I'll be surrounded by family.

I need to be the most important person in Alli's life.

[How can I change her??]

Oh man, her sister hates me! Maybe she'll get to her.

[Not to self: Take it all away. So all she'll be left with is me!]

Mmm, her best friend is hot! I want her! Ew, Alli gets grosser and grosser by the day.

[Maybe I can have both??]

Justifasctions for going home:

[My thoughts:]

YAY! Family time!

[Family=bomb!]

Amber's birthday!

[I can't believe she's turning 21! PARTY TIME!]

Ron was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer two weeks ago.

[I have to see him!]

I'll talk to A.B.F. sometimes, but it's family time now!

[Duuh!]

Family is the most important thing in your life...



Little

Things
That turned into
HUGE
Things:

One) Secrets.[ You know what I'm talking about.]
Two) "I'll change." [I'm pretty sure you still haven't.]
Three) How you ate. [A LOT.]
Four) The fact that you only showered four times a month. [Ummm. ew, much?]
Five) You never understood that I need space... [Uhhh, yeah.]
Six) And you would go all crazy when I said 'I need some time. [Not good.]
Seven) No barriers. [You need to learn, Dude.]
Eight) You picking your nose, then leaving it FOR ME to clean up. [Natsty.]
Nine) "I LOVE YOU." [NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAID.]
Ten) Texting. [Sooo inconsiderate.]
Eleven) Everything else...

Thoughts for you.

Dear you,

I never thought
In a million
Years
Thoght that
I'd be one
Of those girls...

You know the type.

The girls
Who are so desperate
For attention
They'd
Do anything
For a guy
That they loved.

They'd drop anything
And everyone
If the guy said so.

I forced myself
To drop
EVERYTHING
For you...

And for what?

A whole lot
Of heart break,
Fifty pounds,
Shattered memories and dreams
And
A horrible preception
Of myself.

God,
I hated that face you made
When you were mad....

YOU LOOKED EVIL.

You still haunt
My dreams
Some nights.

But luckily
It's not every night
Like it used
To be.

It's not even you.

I got over you
Pretty quick,
But your words
Still creep up
Some times.

I don't miss you.

Unforever yours

The one that got away

November 2008

Things had started

To change.

No, shift

Is more

Like it.

H.W.M.N.B.N and I

were starting to fight...

The "honeymoon faze"

Was over.

Bestie and I

Had our doubts

About him.

Well more Bestie,

Than me.

I had my own doubts,

I wasn't sharing them yet.

It was a cloudy, cold

Day

In November.

I said,

"Bestie thinks we should take a break."

As we were

On our way

To meet her.

That was my first mistake...

Of the day.

"We're all gonna have a talk today,"

He said calmly.

When we stepped

Off the bus,

I could feel

The tension building,

In the cold.

When Bestie

Arrived,

We spoke...

Things got heated.

A trash can

Was kicked.

And profanities

Were screamed.

As H.W.M.N.B.N

Stormed off,

I was in shock.

Shaking,

I tried to pick up the garbage

Can.

Bestie was shaking.

I felt horrible.

I fled the scene,

We went our seperate ways...

Only to be followed by him.

"Baby,

I'm soo sorry.

I don't know

What came over me.

Lets talk about this,"

He spoke kindly.

And so we did...

Bestie was still shaking,

With tears in her eyes.

I could tell she was done.

Done with what,

I wasn't sure

At that moment.

But later that week,

She was done with him.

Life was never the same.

We are not the same.

In Reality

You are a scared

Little boy

Who throws temper

Tantrums,

When you don't get your way.

You took advantage

Of me

And scared

Me

Into submission,

And when

I didn't

Do things your way

You would

Kick, hit

And scream useless

Words

At me...

"You're a useless

Moron.

I HATE YOU."

Those were the days...

January 2009.

Hurt: Refers to suffering or pain.

A million
Little
Things
Had been leading
Up
To that day.

We had spent
EVERY DAY
Together,
For the past
Three and  a half months.

THAT WAS TOO MUCH.

I would tell he-who-will-not-be-named
That I need some space
And time.

Life was changing
And I had to catch
Up.

I had tried
Before,
But always
Failed.

Miserably.

I would get my point across.
And not look back.

With tears
In my eyes,
I spoke,
"I think we need a break from
Each other."

We got on
The number 67 bus,
And rode,
In complete
Silence.

After
We got off the bus,
He went into a store.

And I ran away.

I didn't get far
Before
Hi angry eyes
Spotted me.

He stomped
Towards me,
And yelled,
"Thanks for bringing
The Devil
Back in me,
BEACH!"

While saying this,
He pulled out his knife,
And calmy spoke
These words:

"Do you want me to kill myself?"

Valentines Day, three years ago

A lovely

Day

For a fight.

The pain inside

Of what had happened

Two weeks before

Was unbareable.

Nothing was said, nothing was done.

No suprise day, nor night.

No happy

"I love you's."

The calls had stopped

From my family.

The texts were done.

Tears had been cried,

And not-very-nice words

Were exchanged.

Everything was different.

Especially me,

It was just another day

In the life

Of us.

</3