"I love you."

That's how our fights

Always

Ended.

Those three words

Changed the course

Of so many things.

It was a way

Of controlling

And manipulating

Every situation 

We were in....

A way of controlling

Me.

A way of keeping

Me around.

Karma.

Thats all.

Restraint.

"Do you want me to kill myself?!?"

Those were the words
That have echoed
In my ears
For three years..

The beginning
Of the end.

[But it would take a while to get to the breaking point.]

The day A.B.F.
Spoke those words
And pulled out the knife,
Was a day in my life
That will go down in the history
Of stupid
Things that have happened.
On both ends.

I was scared.

Of what,
I do not know.

Two days later....

I was home
And still numb.

I woke up
And burst into tears.

"What's wrong?"
My sister
Asked, lovingly.

I didn't know how to say,
"My boyfriebd told me I was the devil
And said he wanted to kill himself."

So, I just came out
And said it.

'Oh Girl!"
Her words kind,
She embraced
Me with loving
Arms.

"What do you wanna do?"
She asked.

"I don't know,"
I said.

"Lets call Mom and the sisters
And see what they
Have to say,"
My sister spoke
As she picked
Up her phone...

An hour later
We decided
That it was best
To get a restraining
Order...

So that's what we would do.
On Monday.

I spent the next two days
Crying
And sleeping.

[Looking back, I don't know why I was soo upset. Maybe out of desperation?]

Monday morning came
And I woke up early
To get to the court house
By nine am.

Showered and numb,
We drove
Off into the city.

As we got closer and closer
I knew things were different.

I knew I had to be done.
And I was.
For a moment.

When it was over,
I cried.

As the days passed
A.B.F.'s family
Texted me.

They were saying such nice things.
They still cared.
They loved me.
Then they said
He wanted to meet me Thursday
To "talk."

I froze.

It was him  the whole time.

I didn't want to see him
Nor did I want him to get arrested...

Like a fool.
I met him.

He sweet talked
His way back
Into my life.

Just like that,
The lies
Started again.

On both parts.

I dropped
The restraining order
The next day
And everything
Was 'perfect'
Again.
We had to hide
And we both knew it...

Later that day,
My sister
Would find us
At U.S. Bank.

Everything
Fell
Apart.

It wouldn't be the last time.

December 2008.

Justifactions for being mad:

[My thoughts on A.B.F.]

She's going home to be with her family for Christmas.

I'll be all alone.

Even though I'll be surrounded by family.

I need to be the most important person in Alli's life.

[How can I change her??]

Oh man, her sister hates me! Maybe she'll get to her.

[Not to self: Take it all away. So all she'll be left with is me!]

Mmm, her best friend is hot! I want her! Ew, Alli gets grosser and grosser by the day.

[Maybe I can have both??]

Justifasctions for going home:

[My thoughts:]

YAY! Family time!

[Family=bomb!]

Amber's birthday!

[I can't believe she's turning 21! PARTY TIME!]

Ron was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer two weeks ago.

[I have to see him!]

I'll talk to A.B.F. sometimes, but it's family time now!

[Duuh!]

Family is the most important thing in your life...



Little

Things
That turned into
HUGE
Things:

One) Secrets.[ You know what I'm talking about.]
Two) "I'll change." [I'm pretty sure you still haven't.]
Three) How you ate. [A LOT.]
Four) The fact that you only showered four times a month. [Ummm. ew, much?]
Five) You never understood that I need space... [Uhhh, yeah.]
Six) And you would go all crazy when I said 'I need some time. [Not good.]
Seven) No barriers. [You need to learn, Dude.]
Eight) You picking your nose, then leaving it FOR ME to clean up. [Natsty.]
Nine) "I LOVE YOU." [NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAID.]
Ten) Texting. [Sooo inconsiderate.]
Eleven) Everything else...

Thoughts for you.

Dear you,

I never thought
In a million
Years
Thoght that
I'd be one
Of those girls...

You know the type.

The girls
Who are so desperate
For attention
They'd
Do anything
For a guy
That they loved.

They'd drop anything
And everyone
If the guy said so.

I forced myself
To drop
EVERYTHING
For you...

And for what?

A whole lot
Of heart break,
Fifty pounds,
Shattered memories and dreams
And
A horrible preception
Of myself.

God,
I hated that face you made
When you were mad....

YOU LOOKED EVIL.

You still haunt
My dreams
Some nights.

But luckily
It's not every night
Like it used
To be.

It's not even you.

I got over you
Pretty quick,
But your words
Still creep up
Some times.

I don't miss you.

Unforever yours

The one that got away

November 2008

Things had started

To change.

No, shift

Is more

Like it.

H.W.M.N.B.N and I

were starting to fight...

The "honeymoon faze"

Was over.

Bestie and I

Had our doubts

About him.

Well more Bestie,

Than me.

I had my own doubts,

I wasn't sharing them yet.

It was a cloudy, cold

Day

In November.

I said,

"Bestie thinks we should take a break."

As we were

On our way

To meet her.

That was my first mistake...

Of the day.

"We're all gonna have a talk today,"

He said calmly.

When we stepped

Off the bus,

I could feel

The tension building,

In the cold.

When Bestie

Arrived,

We spoke...

Things got heated.

A trash can

Was kicked.

And profanities

Were screamed.

As H.W.M.N.B.N

Stormed off,

I was in shock.

Shaking,

I tried to pick up the garbage

Can.

Bestie was shaking.

I felt horrible.

I fled the scene,

We went our seperate ways...

Only to be followed by him.

"Baby,

I'm soo sorry.

I don't know

What came over me.

Lets talk about this,"

He spoke kindly.

And so we did...

Bestie was still shaking,

With tears in her eyes.

I could tell she was done.

Done with what,

I wasn't sure

At that moment.

But later that week,

She was done with him.

Life was never the same.

We are not the same.

In Reality

You are a scared

Little boy

Who throws temper

Tantrums,

When you don't get your way.

You took advantage

Of me

And scared

Me

Into submission,

And when

I didn't

Do things your way

You would

Kick, hit

And scream useless

Words

At me...

"You're a useless

Moron.

I HATE YOU."

Those were the days...

January 2009.

Hurt: Refers to suffering or pain.

A million
Little
Things
Had been leading
Up
To that day.

We had spent
EVERY DAY
Together,
For the past
Three and  a half months.

THAT WAS TOO MUCH.

I would tell he-who-will-not-be-named
That I need some space
And time.

Life was changing
And I had to catch
Up.

I had tried
Before,
But always
Failed.

Miserably.

I would get my point across.
And not look back.

With tears
In my eyes,
I spoke,
"I think we need a break from
Each other."

We got on
The number 67 bus,
And rode,
In complete
Silence.

After
We got off the bus,
He went into a store.

And I ran away.

I didn't get far
Before
Hi angry eyes
Spotted me.

He stomped
Towards me,
And yelled,
"Thanks for bringing
The Devil
Back in me,
BEACH!"

While saying this,
He pulled out his knife,
And calmy spoke
These words:

"Do you want me to kill myself?"

Valentines Day, three years ago

A lovely

Day

For a fight.

The pain inside

Of what had happened

Two weeks before

Was unbareable.

Nothing was said, nothing was done.

No suprise day, nor night.

No happy

"I love you's."

The calls had stopped

From my family.

The texts were done.

Tears had been cried,

And not-very-nice words

Were exchanged.

Everything was different.

Especially me,

It was just another day

In the life

Of us.

</3

Just a night at the library...

Oh Boy,

How do you

Justify

Kicking

A sign

And Screaming,

Profanities

At the top

of your angry

Lungs?

Because you didn't like my answer?

YOU MAKE NO SENSE.



WRONG PART TWO

As we walked

Down

The stairs

Together,

I could feel

My sisters

Anger 

As I got to thr bottom

Of the stairs.

"We're headed out,"

I said.

Silence
Filled the room.

I felt even more

 Ashamed and mad

Then I had before.

That day was supposed to

A "Bestie Day."

Instead,

He decided

To invite

Himself

Along for the ride.

That's how it all started...



WRONG.

"Come on.

We'll tell your sister

That I fell asleep.

I swear

I'll get up and take

The first bus

Home,"

He said.

"Are you sure?"

I asked.

 Because I wasn't .

I knew my sister would be super

Mad

If he stayed the night...

Did I really want to go there

The first week?

He had a way

Of being

VERY

Persuasive.

And I didn't

Want him to think

I was some sort of

Prude,

Did I?

NO!

So he stayed.

Sure enough,

I woke up at 10.

With the sun,

Streaming

Through the window...

And he was still there.

I had an angry

Text

From my sister...

I felt so ashamed

And guilty.

I just wanted him

GONE.

But he wouldn't leave.

"Why can't you just walk down the stairs

And go home?"

I said, calmly.

"I'm afraid your family

Will HATE

Me

If I go downstairs

Alone."

He cried.

This conversation

Lasted

An hour.

And he got his way...

Dear God.

Please let today
Be the day
I finally feel free again.

Help me to understand
The meaning
Of all this pain
I have inside.

Please forgive me
For not trusting
My insticts,
Or my family,
And friends,
For that matter.

Help me to forgive
Myself
For hurting
Everyone around me.

And for what?
A stupid boy,
Who hurts people
For his own comfort.

Please help me leave him
And never look back.

Amen.

Two days later...

"I love you,"

He said,

As I sat

On the phone

Shocked.

I was amazed

That someone

Fell in

LOVE

With me.

That moment
Everything

Melted

Away.

I was in love

With the idea

Of him

Loving me.

I thought

I could fall in love

With him,

Too.

Little did I know,

It was all

ONE

FAT

LIE.

And there were many more to come...

September 15th, 2008

It began...

At a bus stop.
With the words,
"Nice necklace,"
Coming out of his mouth.

It was a sunny,
September day.

Starbucks
In hand,
And a wide smile
On my face.

I thought I knew everything.

Little did I know
I didn't...

I am forever changed by that day.

Things you should know

• My name is Alli.
• I'm twenty three years old.
• This is my story.
• Yes, I was in an abusive relationship.
• I wanted to start this blog to help others in similar situations.
• This is a NO HATE place.
• If you have any questions, or want to share your story, feel free to comment, or tweet me @allib06. Or shoot me an email mylife.mywords2006@gmail.com.
• Hearts and hugs