Lies

"I'll always heart you, Punky."
[HAHAHAHAHAH! Good one. If you really "loved" me forever you wouldn't have lied, cheated, and abused me.]
"She's just a friend."
[UM. Friends don't send friends naked pictures.]
"Oh, I've been single for over a year."'
[HAHAHAHAHA. Psyche!]

"I won't let anyone/thing hurt you!"
[Except you!]

"You're my angel."
[Yeah, until someone else comes along.]

"I'm not a violent person."
[Hitting things doesn't make you violent?? Huh. Intense.]

"I hate myself."
[Doubt it.]

'You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen."
[Um. Not really. You say that to all the girlss.]

Later that night...

"I am soooo sorry,
Honey!"
He sobbed.

He begged
For me not
To be scared of him.

How could I not be?

I had NEVER seen
That kind of behavior
From anyone,
Let alone a
Twenty eight year
Boy.

So many emotions
And feelings
Were running
Wild
Through my body.

Anger,
Hurt,
On edge,
Scared.

Just some of the emotions.

I told him
I would go with him
On the bus,
To ease his mind.

But my mind was still racing.


"I'll call you
When I get home,
Okay?
Please answer,"
He spoke,
In between sobs.

"Okay,"
I said.

When I got home,
There were ten
Missed calls
From ABF.

He called once more.

I answered.

"I can't believe
What I did,"
He sounded
Depressed.

"You were mad.
I understand,"
I lied.

"I don't deserve
You.
I think
I'll off myself tonight,
So you don't have to deal
With me,"
His words
So hateful
And sad.

Cut me to my core.

"Please don't do that,"
I was the one pleading
Now.

"Promise you'll stay with me,"
The tears started
Again.

"I pinky promise I will.."

And I kept that promise
For as long as I could.

The First Night.

I saw something

I didn't want

To see.

A boy

Screaming

Bad words

At the top

Of his ugly

Lungs.

I walked away,

But not before he came

After me.

I forgave him.

December 2008, Revisited

Fernley: Population more than 12,600.

But during that trip

Home

I could've been all

Alone

And still felt the same.

Everything

Was the same,

I was the one

Who had changed.

I knew that my family

And my friends

Saw a change

In me.

A change that was

Evolving

Slowly.

A change that

I wouldn't see

Until

It was too

Late.

Normally when I'm home

With my family

I would spend

As much time

With my family and friends

As possible.

[Time is such a precious thing,

You know.]

But this trip

Was different,

like me.

I locked myself

In my sister's

Bathroom

For hours

On end

To talk to someone

That I didn't necessarly

Want to talk to.

I wanted to be out,

Socializing,

But I had to keep A.B.F.

Happy.

I reassured him

Every night

That I would be back
But that wasn't enough.

I finally came to a realization
That I barely got to see
My family
And I needed to spend
The time
I did have
With the people who matter
Not in the bathroom.

I was so embarrassed.

For myself,

For my sister,

For my niece and nephew,

For my mom and Ron,

For Amber....

But mostly I was scared.

Scared that ABF

Would be mad.

That's even more reason to be embarrassed.

May 2009 part two

"I don't know
What you're talking
About, Baby,"
He sweetly stated.

"Don't deny it!
I saw
The texts!"
I cried.

"That girl
Is stupid.
She knows your ex,
And he told her
To do it,"
ABF explained.

And the lies kept coming...

May 2009

It had been four months since
The restraining order

And things had settled

Down.

But little did I know

Secrets were looming.

A lie was about to be exposed.

A text message

Would change

Everything

Once again.

ABF was acting

More

Strange

Than ever,

Taking secret

Calls

In our room,

Texting up a storm,

And being distant.

I took his phone

That I was paying for

Without him

Knowing

And read the texts.

I dropped the phone

And couldn't believe

What I just read.

Him to her,

"I want you so bad

Right now."

Her to him,

"Come and get me, Baby."

There were more.

Too many to remember.

How could he do that?

Why would he do that?

Am I dumb?

Just some of the questions

Racing through my head.

I broke.

Months of trying 

So hard

Went out the window.

I fell apart.

For the first time

I was seeing him

Without

Rose colored glasses.

Naive.

"Naivety (or naïvety, naïveté, etc.), is the state of being naive—having or showing a lack of experience, understanding or sophistication" Wikipedia

You thought
I was so naive.
And, well, frankly.

You were right.

You like your girls
Trusting, loveable,
Loyal,
Fluffy, and easy
To take advantage of.

Today I sit here,
Remembering
All the times
You said,
"I'll never lie to you."

I am not naive anymore.

One of my biggest
Mistakes
Was trusting you
Even when you didn't deserve it.

What would your mom think?

Oh wait...
That's right,
It never mattered to you.

You sit there
Wanting everyones
Approval
And you'll do whatever
It takes to get it....

Face it.
Not everyone will like you.
And you're naive if you think
You can lie
Your way
Into people's hearts.

For the future exgirlfriend[s]

Dear Ma'am,

I think you

Should know

That your boyfriend

Is a SUPER LAME abusive

Guy.

I don't know anything

About you

And your relationship

With him,

But I do know

That he is a liar

And an abusive cheater...

I think you

And I

Both know

What I'm talking about.

Maybe you know,

But you're in denial,

Just like I was

For two years.

I hope and pray

You figure

Out

You need to do

Sooner

Rather than

Later.

And know

That

You are NOT

Alone.

Thank you for your time.

The One That Got Away.